Top and Bottom 5

Lumpsky

Top:

5. Star Wars: The Force Awakens

Is it derivative of A New Hope? Yes. Is the character of Rey a Mary Sue? Absolutely. Does this film exist because Mr Mouse wants to sell toys to children? Damn right. In the grand scheme of things however, none of this matters, as The Force Awakens is a bloody entertaining film.

 

4: Sicario

Beautifully shot ugly is how I would describe Sicario. I tried to write a review on it, but ended up just making myself depressed by thinking existential thoughts about how the world is a crappy place and nothing is going to solve humanity’s problems while mankind is so eager to work against one another. Great film, fun times, highly recommend it.

 

3. The Martian

In equal parts a great entry to the survival genre and a love letter to science. This fantastic film about a stranded astronaut proves two things; firstly that Ridley Scott still has it in him to make great films and that you can still have fist in the air triumph moments in a movie based on hard science without bullshit contrivances or “love being the key to all this” (up yours Nolan). 

 

2. Inside Out

“Take her to the Moon for me” I’m thinking I should include a count of how many people cry during Pixar movies, for the record Inside Out scored three kids and one adult.  A film that is not only content to teach us about different emotions, but also make us experience them.

 

1.Mad Max: Fury Road

A movie that is anti-war while having some of the most impressive action set pieces, the most pro-feminist mainstream movie in years that still has a scene where supermodels hose each other off, a franchise from the 80’s resurrected by its original director that turned out better than the original movies. George Miller is like the anti-George Lucas. Seriously, if you haven’t seen Fury Road, stop reading this and rectify that immediately.

 

 

Bottom:

 

5. Spectre

I grew up watching Bond, both the character and the movies were important in my formative years. I had reasonably high hopes going into Spectre. It had a good cast, the same director of Sky Fall and a large enough budget that it could have been anything. After seeing it? Let’s just say, I’m not angry just disappointed. A retcon of all the Craig era Bond films, visually boring and overlong action scenes and a “No I am your father moment” that doesn’t fit the tone or the story… I could go on. Ultimately watching Spectre is like taking acid before a swingers party a confusing mix of bright lights, strange noises and sadness.

 

4. Jurassic World

While both The Force Awakens and Jurassic World may both be cynical cash grabs from mega-corporations, at least Star Wars felt like it was made by actual human beings. I want to administer the Voight – Kampff test to Colin Trevorrow director of Jurassic World.

Lumpsky: “You’re in the desert when you look down and see a tortoise. You reach down, and flip the tortoise on its back. It can’t turn over without your help, but you’re not helping. Why is that?”

Colin Trevorrow: “Chris Pratt riding a motorcycle next to velociraptors should break 1 billion dollars box office worldwide…”

Lumpsky: “I’m trying to talk about humanity Colin”

Colin Trevorrow: “We could pump John William’s classic score over the movie so the audience thinks they are seeing a worthy successor to Jurassic Park.”

Lumpsky: “That’s nostalgia, not humanity you fucking replicant.”

 

3. 50 Shades Of Grey

Apparently a poorly shot, badly acted and slowly paced depiction of an abusive relationship can break $500 million dollars worldwide. On one hand I find that soul crushing, on the other hand… The fact that so many went and saw this schlock gives me hope that my screenplay about me defeating ISIS using only my sophisticated wit, charm and penis is that much closer to being greenlit.  

 

2. In The Heart Of The Sea

Sitting through In The Heart Of The Sea is akin to flipping through 6 month old Women’s Weekly magazines in a doctors waiting room before being calling into the surgery by a proctologist with rather large hands. When the only thing keeping me in your movie is the fact that I plan to tear it apart on the internet afterwards it’s not a good sign.  

 

1. The Ridiculous 6

I didn’t finish the Ridiculous 6, but it affected me more than any other movie on this list. If Sicario left me feeling deflated than this left me feeling completely flat. If you voted for Tony Abbott or are otherwise stupid however, you may enjoy The Ridiculous 6 –you see that right there? That’s a joke, something this ‘movie’ is completely devoid of. Even Adam Sandler looks like he has had enough of Adam Sandler, his sad eyes and tortured forced smile belie a man living a horrible meaningless existence. I feel like Kickstarting a benefit to send Sandler to Dignitas in Switzerland to put the old boy out of his (and our) misery.