Lumpsky
September 11 2012, a terrorist attack in Benghazi Libya leaves three Americans dead including the US ambassador. This attack would have wider implications not only on US foreign policy, but also on the 2016 presidential election, with (arguably) opportunistic Republican politicians using the incident to call out then Secretary of State Hilary Clinton’s lack of competence.
This premise in the hands of a talented artist like Kathryn Bigelow or Aaron Sorkin; who thrive on creating works based on recent events that are fresh in the public’s consciousness (Zero Dark Thirty and The Newsroom respectively) could have been something special. Unfortunately we had explosion fetishist Michael Bay at the helm. My normal format of cohesive paragraphs each examining a different aspect of the film isn’t going to work with this mess, instead I’m just going to write what I felt at each point in the film.
If you don’t want the movie spoiled for you, then don’t read on. But since this movie is a turd, feel free to continue.
© Paramount Pictures
Opening – Stock news footage with captions open the movie, this kills two birds with one stone – We get exposition dumped on it and it costs the studio next to nothing.
00:01 – Opening shot of a close-up on a white guy’s wedding ring. To be filed under “obvious foreshadowing”
00:04 - The cinematography and camera movement is already making me ill.
00:05 – I ponder how much extra work mid-eastern actors got after 9/11.
00:15- We are introduced to Cliché Dick Boss, he yells at the mercenaries and is pudgy. We are supposed to dislike this guy.
00:18 – Michael Bay is moving his camera in every scene to create parallax; this has the unintended consequence of creating a headache in my frontal lobes.
00:20 – Around this time in a three-act structure we should have the Inciting Incident, so I was ready to give Bay a big tick when we had an action scene at this point, but then the plot jumps to ‘5 weeks later…’ {sigh}
00:26 - We are introduced to CIA Lady, she went to Harvard and has contempt for the mercenaries. Much like Cliché Dick Boss, she believes brain rather than brawn will bring lasting peace to the Middle East. She’s also a woman in a man’s game; the audience scoffs at her foolishness.
00:32 – We are treated to a speech about how great America is, this would be more effective if the mercenaries were actually US soldiers rather than private guns for hire.
00:35 – Oh shit it’s 9/11 and there is foreboding music over images of everyone staring to the horizon. This scene would be a lot tenser if Bay put the fucking camera on a tripod.
00:37 – One of the Merc’s just found out his wife is pregnant! This could have been a tender moment if not for the fact it was shot at a McDonald’s drive through.
00:42 – First on screen death, that took longer than expected. Explosions.
00:46- We have reached peak Michael Bay, an American flag is being shredded by machinegun fire in slow motion to a chorus of somber piano music. Wow… Just wow.
00:56- The Merc’s tell Cliché Dick Boss to fuck off and disobey his orders. Explosions occur.
00:58 – More explosions are happening. One of the Merc’s nicknames is Tonto. My nickname is Lumpsky, I feel emasculated.
01:03 – Explosions are still happening.
01:07 – All the explosions are happening.
01:16 – E X P L O S I O N S
01:19 – I am beginning to understand what Nietzsche meant. ‘The abyss’ is the explosions in this movie. One thing I am still struggling with is whether ‘The monster’ is Michael Bay for creating the film or I’m ‘the monster’ for paying money to see it?
01:25 –CIA Lady tells the Air Force that they need air support, when asked for a clearance code she replies “If you don’t we are all going to die”. Now I’m no expert on Geopolitics (but I have binged on The West Wing), but I would have thought that the decision to deploy a US gunship over a neutral country would be more the President’s wheelhouse.
01:26 – More explosions.
01:38 – Explosions continue.
01:39 – We have a break from explosions so the CIA Lady can bring snacks to the Merc’s on the roof –Seriously.
01:41- The Merc’s decide to tempt fate by talking about their family and how much they love them. Oh dear.
01:45 – A brown dude (terrorist) is shot in the head, while the back of his head pops off, he fires his RPG into the ground killing a bunch of his buddies. I let out an audible ‘whoa’ at this and am immediately disgusted in myself.
01:47 – Just assume any gaps are filled with explosions.
01:55 – We are treated to a shot of Muslim’s doing their morning prayers with RPGs and AK47s next to them. I laugh at how crass this is, a large baldheaded man in a ‘support the troops’ T-shirt shushes me.
01:59 – We get the Michael Bay Bomb Shot™ where we follow the bomb as it falls through the sky.
02:02 – The explosions stop so we can lament the death of one of the Mercs.
02:10 – The Libyan translator who has risked his life multiple times over the course of the movie apologizes to the American’s for his countrymen. I make a mental note to buy Nurofen on the way home.
02:13 – The Merc’s complain that everybody but them will be getting a medal. I believe the audience at this point is supposed to nod stoically in support of these killers for a paycheck. I add Jack Daniels to my mental shopping list.
