Forgive the late review; I spent my Easter long weekend both lamenting and celebrating the sacrifice of one who suffered so many others didn’t have to. I am of course referring to myself sitting through this shit movie.
The film starts with brutal shots of Metropolis getting smashed up in a way that is eerily visually similar to scenes of 9/11. If this were directed by a smart filmmaker, this would form a basis for a complex thesis on America in a post 9/11 world and what role (if any) would superheroes have in it. Unfortunately BvS is directed by Zack Snyder, so instead the film seems to say “remember when the trade centers came down? That sucked hey? Oh well on with the film”. From reminding us of one of the worst terror attacks ever, the movie the movie goes downhill when… Actually fuck it, you’ve seen the trailers, you know the plot of this film. It’s basically that stretched over two and a half hours.
Talking of the trailers, I don’t understand why they are marketing this film on the fact that it is dark and gritty. I mean I’ve had shits that are dark and gritty, but I’m not exactly going to talk about it on my Tinder profile (still single ladies). I guess it is due to the fact that The Dark Night was a fairly dark movie in tone and was both critically and commercially successful. But The Dark Night didn’t work because it was edgy, it worked because it was basically a good Martin Scorsese gangster movie with fantastical elements like a leather fetishist dressing as a flying mammal and one of the best villains ever put to screen. Duh.
Anyway along with a boring story that somehow manages to be dumb, overly convoluted and predictable at the same time, we also get a washed out grey look over the whole film. (Seriously , one of your main characters wears blue and red spandex, why does it look murky?) I’m not saying that everything needs to be colorful ala Marvel, but perhaps making Superman a brighter color than the rest of the film may have given some much needed juxtaposition and even worked as a visual metaphor for the hope he is meant to portray. But who am I to expect basic filmmaking from a $250 million dollar film?
Speaking of getting the basics right, it’s important to have chemistry between your two romantic interests, unfortunately I don’t think Snyder got the memo on that one. Every interaction between Clark Kent and Lois Lane seems stiff and off, the bored looks on the actors faces mirroring the audience’s own. Jesse Eisenberg plays himself playing a schizophrenic that is meant to be Lex Luthor, which doesn’t work on any level. Ben Affleck’s Batman is… serviceable, but considering he carries guns, kills multiple people and leaves destruction in his wake usually reserved for natural disasters or Lindsay Lohan on a coke binge, he isn’t really Batman anymore.
DC also show us an ad for all the upcoming Justice League characters that are getting their own movies, which is so cynical I can’t even bring myself to take the piss out of it.
Oh and Wonder Woman is also in the movie. BvS introduces her about as elegantly as I just did.
The worst thing to happen to Batman since George Clooney’s Bat-Nipples.
The worst thing to happen to Superman since Christopher Reeve got on a horse.
The worst thing I’ve spent $20 on since some dude in a trench coat sold me oregano.